The perfect mom

I’ve had a few days lately when I’ve been feeling especially overwhelmed, frustrated, like I need an escape. On one of these days, my neighbor happened to mention she was looking into options for going back to work. I confessed that I had gotten so desperate that day that I'd even considered going back to work, but that I'd then realized my teaching license had expired and that I hadn’t yet taken the classes required to renew it.

In the course of our discussion, my neighbor said, “…and what little girl, when thinking of what she wants to be when she grows up, thinks, ‘Oooh, I want to be a mom. I want to stay home and raise kids.’” The deep sarcasm with which she said this delayed the truth sinking in. But the truth came.  The truth is I had an answer to her question: me. I was the little girl who, when thinking of what she wanted to be, thought, “I want to be a mom.  I want to stay home and raise kids.”

When I’d dream of the perfect life, I pictured myself with a bunch of kids and, in my wildest dreams, with a set of twins. I am living exactly the life I always hoped I might be lucky enough to have.

Realizing I was living my dream led me to wonder why I've been getting so frustrated. I’m not like many women who resent “wasting my time at home.” I don’t wish I were doing something else.

I think the reason I'm getting frustrated is because I worry I’m not living up to my full potential, my potential as a mom. I think it’s because I don’t feel like I’m as good of a mom as I thought I’d be. Maybe it’s simply because I’m not perfect.

But, what am I not doing? What would make the perfect mom? Does the perfect mom cook three course meals every day... using only organic food?  Does she diaper her children in cloth, head up the PTA, and volunteer at the local soup kitchen.  Does she make educational projects with her children and garden with them, fertilizing the plants with only compost she made from kitchen scraps? And does she live in a house without a speck of dust and perfectly polished floors?

In reality, no human can do all those things. Of course, the perfect mom doesn’t exist. All any woman can hope to be is a great mom, maybe the perfect mom for her particular kids. And the only way to be that is to prioritize. We have to know what we want to do, what we can do, and what we have to let go of to do those things.

In my dreams of being a perfect mom, I didn’t see the layer of dust on the furniture, the scraps of food left under the table, the piles of mail remaining unsorted in the study. Since those things exist in my reality, I thought it meant I wasn’t the mom I wanted to be. But, I realized something. In my dreams, I also didn’t see polished furniture, clean floors, and organized mail. I didn’t see those things at all, because those things don't matter.  I didn't see anything other than my children and my relationship with them, the things that matter.

So, when I’m overwhelmed, when I’m frustrated, when I’m wondering how I can have a spotless house, make involved meals, use cloth diapers, grow an organic garden, and still have quality time with my kids, I have to remember what's important. I have to remember what I want to do, what I can do, and what I have to let go of to do those things.

Spending time at the orchard... while the breakfast dishes are left on the table at home.